20:17

Continued from: My Kryptonite

Time can be a funny thing - sometimes it passes fast, sometimes really slow.  When i think back from around the time of my first panty-gasm, I still find it hard to believe that it would be 8 months later before any real change in anything.

Sure, I would wear panties and jerk off in them when ever I could, and mine and Janey’s sex life remained as it was, albeit the time between sessions elongated, her interest in letting me have actual sex completely evaporated.  If I bought the subject up I was selfish.

Janey had moved in by this point, so access to panties was pretty easy.  There were a few hairy moments, like the one time she found a pair of dirty cum stained panties in the washing that she was certain had been cleaned only the previous day.  She was right of course, but I managed to shrug it off as her mistake.

I can’t remember why I found Lovehoney, but in the mid 2000’s it was still a fairly small start up company in the UK selling sex toys.  It also ran some excellent forums and by this point I was online as “slave malcom”.  I remember my profile pic was some latex hood borrowed from the net.  Still not sure why i dropped the second L from the name, piss poor spelling probably. 

I had developed a fascination by this point with Female Dominants - leather clad Goddesses with whips and chains and all sorts of evil plans.  My vanilla Janey was still my love, but my goodness the sight of a leather clad Goddess would be…….

Oh my, if I had seen Mistress Andrea back then i would have exploded in my panties on the spot!  Seriously all, if I haven’t made it clear yet READ MISTRESS ANDREA’S BLOG!!!!  You are missing out if you haven’t.

Anyway, back to 200… something.  So I was online by this point living a lie.  I was slave malcom, submissive slave to the Beautiful Mistress Bridgit.  I was locked in bondage 24/7, made to do her bidding whatever and never got any sexual pleasure myself.

Anyway, I would make up stories about my life when I met a wonderful person called diamonds333.  She was lovely, interested in Femdom (of which I knew nothing) but out conversations had me research fast so I could keep up the pretence.  

I ‘had’ a dog bowl to eat out of and collar with leash (r-r-r-r-ruff!), enough bondage gear to tie up half a city and a range of dildos only outdone by the website themselves.  Janey was at work one saturday so i was naked apart from panties, on the forum chatting to diamonds when she asked me about orgasm control.

“Yeah, but how do you not, you know, sit there and play with it all day.” She asked. “What stops you?”

“Oh i would never do that to Mistress,” I typed, penis hard in hand.  “Mistress trusts me.”

“Wow, thats….. Trusting indeed.”  Diamonds wrote.  Then after a few moments.  “I assumed your Mistress would want more security.  Has she ever considered one of those CB-2000 thingy’s for it?”

I was at a loss, what the hell is a CB-2000? 

“Not at this time, but you never know ;).  Look Mistress is back in a bit, i need to go.  Speak again soon?”

Before Diamonds could answer I was gone.  I hated not knowing something so I fired up the search engine and soon there it was.  The CB-2000.  A plastic chastity belt designed to keep your submissive in order.  Even better, it had been updated to the CB-3000!

This was in my basket quicker than you can blink.  I just had to have it, I knew it.  I imagined somehow giving Janey the key and her transforming magically into some leather clad Goddess that would have me sobbing at her feet for mercy overnight.

It took a few days to turn up, but when it did I was so excited.  Now, I knew nothing about chastity back then - it’s been maybe 15 years since I started locking up and what a journey it has been.  I am still learning today.  

I can remember being so ignorant of how to fit it - the first time I did I naturally picked the smallest ring, with the smallest spacers and boy did it pinch.  I managed 30 mins before almost ripping it off, leaving deep red marks for hours after.

Slowly though practice I learnt.  30 mins became an hour, an hour 2.  Before long I was able to last a day and started wearing it under my clothes.  Yes it stuck out, it wasn’t subtle and i had to pad my pockets out with a thick wallet and other things to hide the bulge. 

I loved it, even when it rubbed, even when it pinched and gave me blisters.  The CB-3000 was soon swapped for a CB-3000s (the s for small) as I realised I had way, way too much free space in that thing and online I was King of chastity to Diamonds and few others. Online is was locked 24/7, only able to worship Mistress Bridgets feet and if very lucky, have the honour of pleasuring her orally.

ALL TOTAL BULLSHIT, ALL TOTAL FANTASY.  God i was so full of shit back then.

Janey was out more, mixing with some new girls from work she said.  The more and more i sunk into my online persona of slave malcom, the more Janey seemed to drift away from me.

Two and a half years in it all collapsed.  Janey and I barely and sex anymore, if we did she would tollerate me to pleasure her orally but didn't make any effort to give me anything back.  Never ‘in the mood’.  In fact it got to the point I would even be locked up whilst giving her pleasure and she would never know.

Everyone noticed the slump, friends tried to talk to both sides, but we both claimed it was all ‘fine’.  What a horrible word ‘fine’ is, don't you think.  It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just blah.

Then it happened.  June 13th, 2008.  D day.

Janey came home very late from work considering she was on the day shift, she looked flustered and preoccupied with something.  I was watching TV and she was fiddling about when she turned and uttered those fateful words, the harbingers of any relationship ending event.

“Mally - we need to talk…”

I switched off the TV nervously, I knew this wasn’t good.  She sat down on the end of the sofa and took my hand.  Tears were already falling from her face.

“Mally, I do love you, please know that but I can't go on anymore.  Not like this.  I have changed, believe me when I say this has nothing to do with you, it's me.  You are a wonderful, loving, caring man but….”  She paused, struggling to get the words out.

“Janey please,” I sobbed.  I couldn’t lose her, I needed her.  “We can work it out, I’ll change.  I’m sorry I’ve not been as focused, I promise i’ll…”

“Mally I’m in love with another woman.  I’m gay.” she blurted over me.  

I could almost see the pressure come out of her, as she said it, closing her eyes.  She breathed deep, her angst and stress seemed to melt instantly, like a huge weight was gone.  Her shoulders opened up and when her eyes opened she was different.  Tears streamed down her face but she half smiled at me.  As with the first time we met, my mouth opened and closed without sound.

She reached up and brushed the tears from my cheeks, giggling.  “There’s that fish impression I love so much.  Oh Mally, I’m so sorry to do this to you.”

Silence.  I glanced at the clock over her shoulder for some reason.  20:17.

“Gay, what, who, when, how?” I stammered out.  “This, you can’t be, what?”

My brain could not compute.  It WOULD NOT compute.  How can my Janey be gay? We’d been together 2 and a half years, we did everything what couples did - hold hand, kiss, make love….

*Only you don’t do you mally, you make love more like two women than a man and woman.  A man would have her whimpering in pleasure, pinned down by a big cock as she begs for more.  Your little pee pee isn’t big enough to please a woman*

Oh boy, my alter ego and self loathing voice came to life that day - the real face of slave malcom.  My Masochistic side suddenly was born into my mind with such force I broke down and sobbed harder, unable to stop. 

“Please, Please Janey don’t leave me.” I begged, falling to me knees at her feet and throwing myself into her lap.  She pulled me into a hug and let me sob there quietly in her arms for a long time.  

I remember wondering how the fuck this had all happened as i lay here, sobbing uncontrollably in her arms as she stroked my hair gently shushing me.  

I blamed myself, it was the online things, the secrets.  I should have been more attentive, if i had been a better boyfriend maybe she wouldn’t have turned gay.  (I know, i know - you don’t just ‘turn gay’ but I was in a bad state of mind).  I blamed myself, dear readers, is the point.  

I can’t remember how long she stayed, or when she left.  I remember being in a trance the next day, zombie like.  I think I went to work, not really sure.  Ont he way home i stopped and picked up a fresh bottle of gin and when i got back nothing of her’s remained.  There was another letter, and a small box underneath.  

God damn it i hate fucking goodbye letters.  Fuck fucking letters and their fucking letterness.

I didn’t read it for days, refusing to accept the truth.  But there was no escape, it was there on the table - it wasn’t going to move, it wasn’t going to disappear.

So, 5 days later, and after WAY too much gin, I finally opened it.

“Dear Mally,

I am so sorry I did this to you.  Know that I do still have a place in my heart for you.  You will always be special to me but I couldn’t go one with us living lies about who we really are.  

I know you won;t believe this but I didn't set out to hurt you, Cassy came out of nowhere and stole my heart just as you did that first night.  I know it’s tough to admit but things have not been right with us for a while, we both need different things.  

Cassy is my thing, I know it. I love her so much it hurts to admit, as it means hurting you but I cannot deny myself what I am, just as you shouldn’t deny yourself.

Take good care of yourself my love, and I hope you find the courage to be who you need to be.

Love always

Janey.

P.s. I left a gift for you, I hope you like it and it helps you!”

I nervously looked at the box.  With a trembling hand in picked it up and opened the box, and what was inside made me drop it immediately.  My Kryptonite.

She knew…. she always knew.

Kisses 

(and tissues for me please, that was emotional to recall)

alice

xxx

Continued in: Rebooting

An after (maybe closure is more appropriate):  

I still hate seeing 20:17 on the clock to this day, it's silly but around that time of night I tend to avoid looking at my watch. I guess some might be wondering if I saw Janey again, well if you don’t believe in fate then let me tell you….  Well, ok it might have been a coincidence but….

I met Janey 5 years later accidentally, I was back visiting my folks and in town grabbing some shopping when I bumped into her and Cassy in the street.  My goodness her smile still lit up the place (even though it was pissing down with rain).  She didn’t hesitate to hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek and said how wonderful it was to see me, before introducing Cassy to me.  Cassy hugged me and told me how wonderful it was to meet me at least considering all the things she had heard.  

Cassy was lovely, short bob mousy brown hair hair, nose piercing and eyes that drew you in.  She also had an infectious smile, but equally a sense of mischief in her eyes. I could see why Janey was drawn to her.

There was a buggy, and inside was a baby maybe 6 months old - their baby it turned out.  Janey was truly happy, and insisted on getting a coffee to catch up.

My life had changed dramatically too, as you will find out and Janey was keen to check up on her ‘man’ as she called me even then.  I shifted nervously in my seat as we chatted, my panties were right up my bum but I dared not shift them.  My black, lace panties that were gifted to me 5 years previously….

Although I cried again that night part of it was tears of joy.  For someone I loved, and still love in some part to this day, was truly where they belonged.   Love you Janey, always.