Rebooting

Continued from: 20:17

Rebooting….

If it wasn’t for the support of my loving friends and family I dare say the breakup from Janey would have been biblically bad for me, I have no idea how deep I would have gone into self loathing after that.

I kept busy the next few months but everything reminded me of better times, and I knew that the only way out of this was to go, flee this place and start afresh. A reboot was needed.

It just so happened that my old alumni were pinging out emails of “whats going on at…” sort of thing when I noticed a post from one of my favourite Professors seeking new research students for PhD’s.

Now I am sure this is everyone's experience at uni but there were good Professors, and bad ones. None of mine were that bad in teaching, no i mean bad as it total bung holes. We had this one professor that purposefully organised 8am lectures on a Friday morning knowing that the Eng Soc (engineering society) night out was on Thursday and always got messy. Mr Huntington, no need to explain which Letter we changed in that name to reflect what he was like!

No, this was not the one advertising, Prof Kingsby was one of the really nice ones, always happy to offer advice, help out if he could and was one of the younger ones as well so he would come out on the odd Eng Soc night. Plus he played in a part time rock band which was actually pretty good.

He had an opportunity to explore some novel technology developments with a large multinational company. It was sponsored, it involved travel and was available to start almost immediately.

I didn’t hesitate. It happened in weeks, I quit my job, packed up and was gone. I found a room in a house shared with other post docs and set to work.



I buried myself in my studies again, and three years, six months later walked out Dr Malcom. Queue very proud parents who had now fully forgiven me for what they felt was the denial of future grandchildren with the wonderful Janey. (I never had the heart to tell them why we broke up.)

I would love to tell you all about the kinky, sexy activaties during these three years, how I met a bunch of Doms who made me do all sorts of crazy shit but the truth is, my PhD was intense and my sex life kinda went on deep freeze.

I had to travel from the UK to Belgium for testing, as the equipment company developing the technology for the multinational was based there. One stage I was travelling almost every week Mon-Fri, back at weekends for 6 months. Doesn’t exactly make for a social life. It was a good opportunity however to explore my kinks more, and I slowly collected a range of panties, continued my deepening journey with chastity and developed a keen interest in self bondage.

I also started reading a lot of erotic writing online. Literotica was an amazing source of inspiration, which would eventually after my PhD lead to my own foray into erotic writing. More on that in a later post.

I had friends, sure, I wasn't a total loaner. I didn’t travel alone for a start, there were a range of people from the multinational going - a four man team each week pretty much. I was heading up the scientific understanding, but there was business development, commercial development and project management - this company was pumping a lot of cash into this project. It got to the point the people at the hotel knew us by name, the bars around the hotel knew my drink of choice (gin) and the food I like.

I didn’t know it at the time but my love for structure is born out of the fact I am autistic, diagnosed only a couple of years ago. It explains the analytical brain I possess, my ability to remember intricate details and also miss the obvious, the ability to think through problems so fast that I have a number of people at work that ask me to slow down, and step them through it because I arrive at the solution so fast compared to others.

It also explains my delayed emotional development when younger, the fact I fall deep - fall fast in terms of emotional attachments to people (Nula, Janey…) and react equally as extreme when rejected and how I am comfortable with a limited set of true friends.

I am able to cope now I know that, but at the time I didn’t know, so I protected myself by keeping clear, keeping busy. If I got the hint I was growing infatuated with someone, I put up walls and even better ran. I did so much experimental work my final PhD report was 557 pages long, and most of that was data and data analytics. It was the largest the department could ever remember but despite my supervisor trying, he couldn’t justify cutting anything out. The examiner was not happy lol.

Now when I was I had no real social life, that’s not to say i didn’t have friends, I had casual acquaintances at uni that i would meet up with for drinks, laughs and such but I don’t think i had even one sexual person to person experience during those three years. At least non spring to mind.

When I graduated the project continued, so I joined the multinational and spent the next three years travelling Europe with a tem looking for opportunities to develop the technology we had researched.

It was strangely during one of these trips that I came across the sissy “disease” of shame purging. The act of suddenly, usually after getting yourself off in what is affectionately termed “post nut clarity”, ditching all your things in shame.

I had been chatting online to a few people and during one trip I got some really nasty messages from someone, the sort of “you are totally useless, sick weirdo, freak,” type of thing. For some reason it hit home badly, and on the way to the airport I stopped at a service and pretty much emptied half my bag into the bin.

Leather locking cuffs, panties galore, a really expensive enema nozzle. My shame knew no limits. It all went in the bin and I breathed deeply as I drove off. I felt a brief sense of elation - i was free! It was all gone, I was going to be a “normal” person.

By the time i took off I was miserable already - my prize panties, my best cuffs, that dang expensive imported enema nozzle from the US! All gone. So my collection started again, what a waste of money.

Back to me travels, Spain 1 year (amazing - I could have stayed given half the chance), Ireland (my liver is still recovering from drinking with factory lads) and Scotland for 1 year (beautiful but my goodness the food is shit). I loved it, but equally at the end I wanted some stability and my role in this company was a specialist developed for short periods. It was mid 2010’s by now, i was past 30 and wanted to “settle”.

I remember the call in my hotel in Scotland, the Managing Director of the company in Belgium where the technology was developed called me and asked me to head up their Process Development team - it was very much a forceful “I want you” sort of conversation, but in a work way. I accepted before he finished trying to sell me the role, salary we agreed in moments. I just knew it was right.

Belgium gets a bad rep in some parts - high taxes, densely populated, dutch/french divide but it’s a beautiful country. It has one of the best social benefits systems in the world I recon, if you pay in you are looked after. Plus, being in the EU you can just get on a train and go anywhere. From Milan to Madrid, Barcelona to Bucharest, Lisbon to ….I was going to say London, well that’s awkward now….. Fucking Brexit, talk about a gigantic shit show that was utterly pointless and self serving to a few rich fuckers….

Stop it, politics free blog alice!



Spot on, 100% true.

Back to Europe destinations I’ve been to - Athens to Amsterdam… Ah Amsterdam, the city of sex.

If I was to tell you the stories about Amsterdam we’d be here…. Not very long. Only been once to the flower markets and canals. I don’t smoke anything and I don’t have any interest in paying for sex. I craved connection, I craved intensity, I craved experiences. I didn’t think going to a fake Mistress and having her do what ever and fake an orgasm before jerking me off what at all interesting (i have no idea what goes on in a brothel as you can tell lol).

The only thing i did discover is that I started to notice men more, it was rather subtle at first. I would find myself at bars, or just out during the day or even in the office looking at someone and thinking - wow, he looks good, or that outfit is great. When I first grew up I gravitated towards female friends. I chose to live in a house with 4 women at uni for a reason, why as a child i enjoyed spending more time with my sisters than my brother.

But that was changing, I liked male company all of a sudden, I loved listening to them talk, about their man lives, the sort to things I never thought or cared about. Sports! I hated sports as a child, I was shit at doing it so why watch it I thought but now watching a game of football, or tennis or best yet the olympics, specifically the swimming, was… interesting.




Yes dear readers I was discovering that it wasn’t just females that flicked my switch, but men could as well. It took me a long time to admit I was bisexual, but that is what I am.

I am at the stage now where it doesn’t depend if someone is a man or a woman so much, more WHO they are. I could meet Sarah Michelle Geller on the street tomorrow and probably my lifelong Buffy fantasy would be shattered, because I doubt she is that into D/s, whips and chains (please someone make an AI out of that - Buffy the Sissy Flayer!). Point is a strong Dominant character that knows how to flick my switch could have me kneeling on the floor in the middle of a packed shopping centre worshipping their feet without hesitation. I wouldn’t care now. Be it man or Woman, it’s about submission and service now. It’s about connection.

Don’t get me wrong, a strong, Dominant woman is always going to be my number 1 choice. Leather is just….drool. The stern look of a female with a whip in their hands, pointing to their feet where I belong is just divine. I go literally weak at the knees seeing some of the images Mistress Andrea posts of Herself, but I also love the power Daddy holds over me. He gets me on more levels than I think I get myself, continues to push my buttons and helps me discover deeper and deeper depths of submission. They both get me, and my submission and service and that power they hold is what’s so erotic. But I got ahead of myself.

Back to my “man” discovery. I hid for it for a while, denying it and even hooked up with a couple of women (disasters tbh, but i got to worship pussy once more), but I was kidding myself. So I did what I do best, avoid it by throwing myself at something else. Work accelerated so quickly, the technology I helped develop was accelerating, I went from laboratory team leader to Development manager, and now to Director for Research and Development. People said I was over ambitious, I was just trying to distract a high functioning mind.

I also started extensively writing erotic literature and published it under the name Slave Malcom on literotica. It was all based on D/S, femdom, chastity and crossdressing. My inner sissy unleashed - it’s linked on my reddit profile and also here. Its all fantastical stuff, but it was fun writing it.

I didn’t just write porn, I published 12 academic papers in 5 years across multiple industry collaborations, traveled the world from Japan (the BEST place in the world to go explore in my opinion, it’s bonkers!) to the US of A, China to South Africa. I am ashamed to say but my lifetime carbon footprint is abysmal - sorry next gen.

All the time I was locked, wearing panties half the time but I could just take it off and jerk myself off. I was never controlled, I had never truly submitted. The years after my PhD were a blur, from turning 30 just after becoming Doctor, I was suddenly 35.

Then the world just shut up shop.

kisses

alice

xxx

continued in:  Grounded: I'm sorry for wetting my panties Daddy, I was a bad gil